C&C Astrology* Factory

(Correlation & Causation)

When god, free will, and happenstance are busy, they call me: John Swamini**

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)

You need to keep a tight watch over your wrist today.

Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)

The energy you are filled with is neither positive nor negative. It is up to you to decide how and to what end it will be spent.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

There is nothing wrong with changing your mind, but perhaps you should do it less frequently than your pants.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Right now your friends are emotionally fragile and you’re rife with the urge to start hurling barbs at anyone. This is purely coincidental and should not be taken as a sign to destroy their lives.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22)

Your routine is anything but normal today… so it is hardly a routine.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22)

First impressions are important, but if you initially show off your worst traits to a potential employer, friend, or lover, you have nowhere to go but up.

Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22)

The caffeine isn’t working; you need to try another means of stimulation. Sunlight is out and cocaine’s still not worth it, so you’ll have to be creative and think outside the box.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

If your messages are not getting through to others, try expressing them in different, engaging, and not at all played out formats like Haiku or interpretative dance.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)

Be sure to use this newfound and amazing energy on mundane tasks you have been meaning to catch up on which don’t deserve it that rather than breaking ground on a new facet in your life.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)

Needing a reason to smile is no way to go through life.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Some people say you cannot predict the future. I say, maybe you can, but you just suck at it.

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)

Friends may caution you not to rush them into a decision they may later regret, but that is exactly the decision you should rush people into.

* Okay, campers, rise and shine, and don’t forget your booties ‘cause it’s coooooooold out there today.

** Doesn’t drive angry.