C&C Astrology* Factory 1-22-14

*Correlation and Causation.

When God, Free Will and Happenstance are busy, they call me: John Swamini!

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)

Spend more time eating fried chicken… and not the crap kind.

Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)

For the next month or so, see to it that the squeaky wheel gets the back of your hand, which should be grease free.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

In the same breath, try not to whine about having no money for your basic living expenses and then as soon as you get some, piss it away on frivolous crap. Break the cycle of your bad habits. Or at least stop whining.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Live it up. If you don’t, you’ll never live it down.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22)

Are you here to help, or are you hanging around hoping that someone will ask you to help? It is one thing to be there for a friend in need, it is another to take said friend’s circumstance and use it as a means to your own validation.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22)

There are too many possible activities and potential projects in this world for you to ever be bored, so place the blame squarely on yourself when you think you have nothing to do and get off your butt and move.

Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22)

Cat got your tongue? Were you making out with a cat? Gross. And illegal. And gross.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

You do not always have to be impulsive, but it’s not like you can help it.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)

Try not to confuse profundity with urgency. Take your time with the serious stuff… cause it’s serious.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)

It may seem like everyone wants a piece of you, but in everyone’s defense you are pretty tasty.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Sometimes the proverbial deck is stacked against you and your best course of action is to close down and wait until the fix is over.

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)

The kids may not go crazy for what you like, but they will go crazy because they are kids.

* Go sports.

** Would rather be cooking.