Oly Lowlife 10-16-13: Moore, Moore, Moore!

Date/Time: 9/28/2013, 00:50 Hours

Location: Soccer Field, The Evergreen State College

Incident: The Floating Flame

Strange things have been spotted at The ol’ Evergreen as of late. For one, a roaming black bear was reported to be stalking the campus and surrounding neighborhoods. This is unusual, but not unthinkable, as those neighborhoods and the school itself, are in fact in the woods. As we know, bears to their business in the woods.

The other oddity was spotted by Evergreen State College Police Services officer, Seth Moore, in the middle of the soccer field. According to the officer, “I looked toward the lower soccer field and saw a flame out in the middle of the field.” By the officers account “The flame seemed to be floating in the air.”

A 600-pound carnivorous mammal with bone crushing strength leering at Basket Weaving majors from the wood line is one thing, but hovering otherworldly orbs on the footy pitch is quite another. The brave officer was driven by a visceral sense of duty to investigate the floating flame.

The officer noted that the orb lit up for approximately two seconds before blending back in with the darkness. Making his way toward the last known location of the flame, the officer became aware of a distinct musky aroma saturating the witching hour air. Was it the off-gas of some space-time-continuum shifting UFO? Yes and no.

Much to the disappointment of Orb-o-philes and UFO aficionados everywhere (here’s looking at you Yelm), the mystery wound up with a most predictable explanation; An herb smoking, authority flummoxing Greener.
The conversation between the inquiring Evergreen Police Services officer and the evasive Evergreener followed a similarly predictable pattern.

-After being contacted by the officer, the woman “denied having lit anything.”

-After explaining that the odor of cannabis could be “smelled around her,” the woman, “again denied using it.”

At a standstill, the Police Services officer advised the woman that “despite marijuana being legal in Washington, she would be violating TESC campus rules by smoking.” The woman indicated that she understood this caveat. The officer then added that, “If she was caught smoking on campus, it could jeopardize her ability to continue her education at TESC,” the officer also, “encouraged her to follow the campus rules and the state law concerning her marijuana use.”

According to the officer, the woman, “stated she understood what I was saying.” No citations or grievances were issued regarding the mystery of the floating flame.

Ah Evergreen. The loving home of displaced bears, floating flames, and the flaming flamers that feed fuel to their fire.

Date/Time: 9/28/2013, 01:11 Hours

Location: Modular Housing, The Evergreen State College

Incident: Front Porch Sittin’- Simple Times

While on night patrol of the housing areas on campus, Officer Moore encountered an enclave of Evergreeners enjoying the early morning.

The group that caught the officer’s eagle eye and no-nonsense nose this time were busy rocking chairs and leaning on their front porch bannister, while kicking back a few brews and a smoke-a-rillio. The fresh smell of Cucamonga permeated the air, drawing the officer in like a pooh-bear to honey.

As Officer Moore approached the front porch sitters he was spotted by one partaking party, eliciting a response of, “Oh Shit,” as the person dropped something to the ground, before “frantically,” picking “it up and stuff(ing) it in his right pants pocket” According to Officer Moore, “the smell of burnt marijuana was overwhelming in the air.”

When contacted by Moore, the furtive suspect explained that he had simply dropped his lighter on accident and then picked it back up. According to Moore, the subject, “spoke slowly and concentrated on forming his words. He paused several times as though he had forgotten what he was saying. His words were slightly slurred and (of course) I observed that his eyes were watery and bloodshot.” This, obviously, indicated to the officer that the subject was under the influence of drugs or alcohol.

The suspected Spicoli stated that, “he didn’t know why,” the officer was smelling cannabis. In fact, he added, “he had not been smoking because he was on probation.” Now there’s a time tested get-out-of-jail-free-card.

While conducting the walk and talk, Officer Moore noticed open cans of Simple Times Lager scattered about the porch and “within lunge reach” of the porch goers. He asked the subjects to pour out the remaining beer, which they agreed to do.

When the officer advised the subjects that it was illegal to drink in public, one of the men replied that he was “definitely allowed to drink inside of his residence”. Officer Moore, “encouraged him to do that next time.”

Both of the front porch partiers were issued grievance by Officer Moore for their alcohol and suspected cannabis use. One of the Simple Times imbibers was issued an MIP citation. Neither of the infracted institutional infringers considered this outcome to be an example of said Simpler Times.

Date/Time: 9/28/2013, 22:16 Hours

Location: A-Dorm, The Evergreen State College

Incident: Room 420; Moore of the Same

When a Resident Advisor and Resident Director detected the “burning smell of marijuana,” coming from a dormitory room, they requested a Police Services officer for backup. Per his specialty of the day, Officer Seth Moore was dispatched to the scene.

As Moore stood behind the door and out of view, the residential staff contacted an occupant of the room and “requested entrance to the dorm to investigate the burning smell of marijuana.” The student who answered the door promptly denied this request. The student was asked twice more by the residential staff to allow them entry, and both times he refused said request.

Picking his spot for an entrance, Officer Moore presented himself and instructed the student that, “he had to let the RD in the room due to the housing contracts he had signed.” After confirming that the paperwork had in fact been signed, Officer Moore advised the student that, “he should step aside so they could investigate the burning smell that was emanating from his room.”

Upon entering the room, Officer Moore and the residential staff checked the students’ identifications and browsed the room. With no serious infractions beyond the weed smoke obvious to the investigators, the gobstopper squad issued the students a warning; including Officer Moore’s well practiced and oft recited refrain that, “they were not permitted to smoke marijuana per TESC policy and Washington State law.” They were informed that, “they would be putting their ability to pursue an education (at Evergreen) in jeopardy if they continued to violate campus policy and state law.”

Perhaps the young puffers will be spurred to pursue the fine arts of practicing or legislating law due to their encounter with Officer Moore. Greeners are lifelong learners.